Goddessing: A Goddess / Pagan Blog

Yesterday, I birthed a beautiful daughter. Well, she's actually a three-year-old, but the big party (i.e., long working weekend) was for the beginning of her fourth year: Volume 4, Issue 1: MatriFocus, Cross-Quarterly for the Goddess Woman.

I'm proud that we've surpassed the three-years-in-cyberprint milestone. I'm proud of the new design, and my crossword puzzle (interactive!), and my editorial (I decided that after three years behind the code and otherwise generally behind the scenes it was time to come out and add my voice to the others; blogging has given me the confidence for that -- a writer's ease).

OK, so I'm proud of myself and of my work, but I include in that all the gracious women (and a few men) who've contributed writing and art and photos, money and time and energy, editing and organizing and emailing, and proud, too, of our subscribers -- grateful for their energetic support and for reflecting back to us the quality of our work. I'm also awed and amazed at the steady growth and recent growth-spurt (we jumped from 9 to 13 regular contributors from the Lammas issue to this current one). Steady is an interesting characteristic of the work of a disabled Sagittarian. I guess I'm proud of that, too.

As all six of you know, this past half-year has been such a trying time for me -- a portal, an abyss, a time outside the box (will I ever find my way back in? that's my question). Getting the Beltane Issue out two weeks after my nephew's suicide was an act of will, and getting the Lammas Issue out, an act of duty. In the midst of the depression, I questioned my commitment to the zine, but hung on. Moving on is such a Sagittarian thing to do, and one doesn't make major decisions during a major depression.

Some time around Equinox, I woke from one of those dreams you know is more than infogarbage-processing. In it, a teacher/guide and I were discussing vocation/calling/priestessing. I was having trouble understanding the second piece of what was being described to me as a two-part process, the process of divine ordination: basically, the Goddess calls you to do some work and then ... what? Could you say that again, I asked.

So he explained it again. I was still confused, starting to understand and yet fearing that I had failed, fearing that She had called me and I'd missed it, or that perhaps She'd never called at all and I was fooling myself. Isn't the inner critic a lovely persona to live with, even in your dreams? And doubt, fear, and shame lovely companions on the walk?

It was my guide/teacher's third explanation that made it all clear to me, and I came into full waking consciousness when I heard his words: It's a journey, and a journal.

Now, on waking, things weren't quite so clear. Oh, the first part, sure. Even in the dream I understood the "being called" part, the journey. But journal? I stayed in bed, eyes shut, and pondered. Did this mean I should write? Did it mean I should write the book that had been proposed to me, recently, by a professional book packager -- A Witch's Grimoire -- a book I wasn't terribly keen on writing? I had been toying with doing a grimoire blog instead of a book (bits of it are lurking around in cyberspace, somewhere -- a postmodern grimoire; now wouldn't that be marketable). Maybe the dream was saying write/publish as a blog, not a book. Maybe the dream meant blogging is my vocation. Hmmm. Clearly this was going to take some meditation.

Well, meditation, yes. But it was my partner's response to the dream that brought clarity. It's about MatriFocus, she said. That's the journal.

Poof! She was right. Her words made that immediate "feels right" in my body-mind. Duh. Thank you Goddess Beloved.

And so, long hours, hard work, renewed commitment and inspiration in the midst of depression, a redesign, new articles, new contributors, new features, the Samhain Issue published a day later than usual, and one exhausted designer/editor.

And yes, I'm proud. Proud of all creation, I guess. Proud of Joseph Campbell who told us all: Follow your bliss. Proud of the women who heard Goddess call before me, who organized, created, disseminated (ovulated?), who said With the Goddess, there's no middleman. Grow a relationship with Her. It will take you to your self, to the heart of the matter, to your own precious heart.

And of course, the journal part is a bit more complicated, or perhaps more complex, than MatriFocus alone, but how I came to publish MatriFocus is more intricately connected with my priestess journey than I can tell in a blog post, or even a book chapter, though pieces of the story are scattered throughout my Cella documentation.

******

Oh my. How much of this is delirious exhaustion talking?

I voted today, gave blood at my doctor's office, and will go to choir rehearsal tonight. I noticed that the sumac, deep red a few weeks ago, is now in some places a brilliant orange, in others fading to yellow.

I'm also noticing that today is November second, and I haven't started my book! I'm going to give NaNoWriMo a try this year. Wish this Sagittarian some steady energy, will you? She's gonna need it to stick with a daily novel-writing practice. Daily and Sagittarian? LOL!

Just 500 words a day. Just 500 words a day. Just 500 words a day....

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